Blended families sometimes encounter difficulties in treating all children equally. This was the case for Madison’s family when her husband requested that her daughter skip a family trip, so his son’s girlfriend could go instead. Matters worsened upon their return, prompting Madison to seek our advice. This is Madison’s letter:My 16 y.o. stepson wants to invite his new girlfriend on our trip to Spain. My husband agreed but said he can’t afford more than 4 tickets, so we have to leave my 18 y.o. daughter at home. I was furious and blamed him for choosing a stranger over his own stepdaughter whom he’d been raising since she was 7.
He replied, “That stranger is my son’s guest… Also, you seem to forget that your daughter’s dad is irresponsible and lazy, never paying for her vacations. Maybe it’s time for him to step up.” I felt powerless. We left for Spain without my daughter because I knew her biological dad couldn’t afford a trip to Europe. When we returned, we were horrified to find that my daughter had packed her things and moved in with her father. She blames me for not standing up for her. I am devastated and at a loss. I still cant believe my husband’s cruelty and how his actions led to this terrible situation. What should I do?
MadisonThank you for sharing your story, Madison. We’ve prepared four tips that might help you. Seek family counseling.Given the emotional complexity and the deep wounds caused by this situation, seeking professional family counseling can be helpful. A neutral third party can help facilitate open and honest communication between you, your daughter, and your husband. This can create a safe space for everyone to express their feelings and work towards understanding each other’s perspectives.
It might also help address underlying issues in your relationship with your husband and stepchildren, ensuring such situations are handled better in the future. Apologize and rebuild trust with your daughter.A heartfelt apology to your daughter for not standing up for her is crucial. Acknowledge her feelings and validate her pain. Explain the situation from your perspective, but don’t make excuses. Show her that you understand why she feels betrayed, and emphasize your commitment to making amends. Spend quality time with her, and involve her in decisions that affect her, demonstrating that her opinions and feelings are valued. This effort can help rebuild the trust that was lost. Set clear boundaries and expectations with your husband.Have a serious discussion with your husband about the impact of his decisions and words on your family dynamics. Establish clear boundaries and expectations for how decisions, especially those involving children from both sides, should be made in the future.
Emphasize the importance of treating all children fairly and respectfully. This can prevent future conflicts and ensure that both your daughter and stepson feel valued and included. Encourage your daughter to express herself.Encourage your daughter to openly express her feelings, whether through conversations, journaling, or art. This can help her process her emotions and feel heard. Suggest that she write a letter to you and her stepdad, detailing her feelings and experiences. This can provide insight into her perspective and help you understand the depth of her hurt. Additionally, showing her that you are willing to listen and understand can foster a stronger emotional bond and aid in healing the relationship. Carla, a stepmom, has recently been asked to care for her three stepchildren alone all day. Feeling distressed and fed up, she approached her husband’s ex-wife for compensation for her babysitting.
